Top 5 Games That Scared The Shit Out of My Rabbits

An inconclusive list of some of the top games that scared the shit out of my rabbits.

Jackson bravely recovering from being subjected to listening to vroom vroom noises through my headset

Grand Theft Auto V 

Grand Theft Auto V is arguably the most terrifying game in existence. It features unforgiving driving sounds that heighten during acceleration, metal-on-metal crashes and recordings of people having trivial arguments.

Forget about the gunshots– if you’re not hiding under a table by the time you hear the first spray of bullets ending, you’ve probably already died from a fox attack in real life.

Alright, let me explain the science behind their disapproval for a second. Bunnies, both wild and tamed, have absurdly huge back feet. Like, laughably so. (They’re also incredibly fuzzy. If I were a vet I would just take anesthetized bunnies and just rub their feet endlesly. Does that sound weird? That sounds weird.) For thousands of years, when a perceived threat draws near, a wild bun will slam their giant clown feet into the ground with a surprising amount of force, making this echoing stomping noise that can be heard for approximately 6 floors away from crappy apartment – enough distance for their families to take warning and escape.

Regardless of whatever my bunnies will tell you, domestic buns don’t frequently find themselves in dangerous situations that warrant this we’re-in-so-much-danger-megaphone response. So they start thumping whenever they really, really dislike something, think something completely mundane is a threat for their lives or if you do something to offend them. Someone farts in their vicinity? Thump. Not enough food given at dinner? Flip their bowl over in rage and thump.  Vacuum gets turned on in a distance apartment? Holy shit, this must mean the local bear and golden eagle community now own vacuums. 

GTA is no different. It’s a constant source of terror for them. My rabbits refuse to be in the same room as me when I play it. When they were trapped by a closed door, the situation devolved into protests worthy of government destabilization.

ABZU

ABZU is objectively a beautiful game. It strongly reminds me of Endless Ocean; one of the only Wii titles worth a damn. A friend of mine in my preteen years strongly recommended it to me, citing the a relaxing ocean environment, playful dolphins and bright colors.

(They neglected however, to bring up the fact there’s a massive fucking abyss at the end of a ravine, which sends you into a freefall dive into pitch blackness to face your worst nightmares. And anglerfish. Those two things may be the same).

ABZU, however, from my limited understanding, does not feature such a level. It’s pure, unadulterated relaxation, allowing you submerge yourself among colorful fish and a quiet world.

This forevermore proves that there is no rhyme or reason behind Bun Panic™. The second I loaded into the game, there was widespread panic. Fur flew as bunnies flung themselves halfway across the room to safety.

Because of this, I still haven’t gotten past the first chapter. FML.

Alien: Isolation

Alright, this is me telling you that you need to stop this shit immediately, or I swear to god I’m going to flip this mug full of water right here, right now.

Okay, this one is a lot more understandable than most of these items. It’s probably the guttural purring you’ll hear along the way as you get stalked by a living nightmare.

SOMA

…..I think I’m starting to see a theme. Water games are a no-go. Car games are subject to evaluation, but tend to lean more towards “oh hell no”.

DotA 2

This number is a bit special. The actual audio and flashing graphics isn’t actually a problem for rabbits. The primary issue they take with DotA is more so a vague, ethical obligation than it is one of logic and reasoning. From my understanding, their dislike of DotA comes from an era a long time ago, when they were neglected from treats and cuddles for sometimes up to 50 minutes at a time. The horror.

See, bunnies are okay if you leave them alone for hours on end. Oftentimes they’ll demand it, much like cats. But you can’t ignore them when they’re demanding attention. That’s unacceptable.

Therefore DotA seems to induce a state of white-hot rage and reactive anger than it does genuine fear and terror (unlike anything Rockstar Games has ever produced). That being said, we already know that bunnies have attitude. If you’re not going to pet them when they demand it, you’ll be subjected to fury and frantic nose nudging. After a while, they’ll rescind themselves to licking your feet… because somehow that helps the situation?

Dear Twitch creeps; have you ever considered that you might actually be multiple rabbits in a trenchcoat?

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

LIVE NOW! CLICK TO WATCH
CURRENTLY OFFLINE