1k player actually 4k, punished by Valve with unusual teammates

In 2017, Walmart employee “MacroMan” was happy with his life. DotA 2 quickly became one of his favorite hobbies.
In 2018, everything changed. After angering Valve employees by refusing to apply an expired coupon to a set of towels, MacroMan was unfairly targeted by an exploit in the matchmaking system allowing Valve to target specific players and force them to suffer.

Although he purchased a 3k account from a close friend– a firm believer in his ability– Valve somehow detected the purchase and continued to place him in this alternative “shadow” queue. Much to his dismay, his once accurate rating began to drop to 1k MMR.

Frustrated, MacroMan began to realize that his teammates were clearly instructed to gang up on him for refusing to change his picks. Bravely, he never relents, choosing to jungle Puck every match he possibly could.
“I’ve done nothing wrong. Yes, I have a 12% winrate with this strategy, but it would be much higher if people actually gave me a chance.” He states in frustration. “Instead, I get reported constantly. I’m always in low priority– and the players there are just awful.”

MacroMan is beginning to realize that his dream of playing professionally will be squashed by Valve’s bias. “You know, I used to scrim with my girlfriend’s friends. One of them was a 6k,” he shared. “In those games I had over 20 assists and no deaths. Can you do that if you’re really 1k? Of course not.”

MacroMan’s dark brown eyes are nearly in tears as he stares into the camera. “I played this one match with a little boy who tried to attack mid. Do they even screen their players anymore? Another match, my teammates refused to learn English. It’s not even that hard.”
“Have you learned another major language?” We ask in curiosity. He stares back in dismay. “Of course not. That’s communism.”

This isn’t the first time that DotA players suspected Valve of foul play. A report came out in 2018 revealing that Valve employees hire children in poverty-strikes areas, taught to annoy players on American servers for their own twisted entertainment.

“I think it’s unusually cruel. Valve is employing Indian beggar children, forcing them to live full time in gaming cafes. They play on American servers and report players for as little as 2 cents, and a supply of slightly used kleenexes.” A spokesperson for UNICEF reported on Monday.
“These children should be at school. Instead, they’re being exploited, while their parents believe they are receiving an education consistent with the curriculum.” These innocent babies are being taught nothing but nursery rhymes, including the now popular “Old MacDonald Had Farm– And You Don’t.”

“What kind of sick bastard would do this?” he ponders, staring off into the distance of his basement.

Breaking News: Person In Planetside 2 Command Chat Isn’t Annoying

“I can’t believe people are still in Tumas.” A platoon leader shares in disgust after a 15 minute long passive aggressive rant blaming other squadron leaders for not packing up their fights and relocating to a location that cannot be captured.

“I can’t believe it it’s not butter.” a WildCards member replies. In times like these, you wish that gaming journalists still had their eyes on this almost ancient MMOFPS title. This is the most successful communication made through command chat in over four years.

On January 31st, DayBreak Games employees made the following announcement: “We’re starting to realize that as a company, we’ve made some mistakes as of late when it comes to retaining our playerbase. Some of our choices in the development cycle come as a surprise to veteran players, and we’d like to take steps to stop alienating some of the folks who have been with us from the very beginning.”
“We’ve long been denying that command chat is a mistake.” Planetside Dev shares after playing on Connery server for the first time. “We had no idea just how bad it was, until we decided to play the game ourselves. I’m very sorry that our community members have had to deal with this situation since release. We’ll be investigating our dev team to determine who exactly approved command chat in the first place.”

“We’re also planning on allowing players to import lists from the rest of the community, to help mute players who don’t add anything of substance to the community.” He adds. Fifteen lists have been shared within 2 hours of this announcement, suspected to have been premade in advance by employees who have playtested the game. Daybreak declined to comment on why these lists contain, at minimum, three times as many players as the servers can support.

“I want to share the greatest gift among mankind- a pastebin list of all players who should be muted in command chat.” A veteran from Planetside 1 shares gleefully. A small religion has begun to form around this player. PlanetSilencers, they call themselves, charge between 15-20$ CAD to log onto customer’s accounts and apply this list.
Although manually muting every name on the list takes over 150 hours, the members feel discounting their rates heavily allows for everyone in the community to afford this service. “It’s the right thing to do,” he adds.

Many PlanetSilencers members have quit their jobs, electing instead to live in small, broken down RV parks across the nation, subsiding entirely off of their newfound charitable cause. “I think I’ve finally found my life’s calling,” one player we interviewed states. “You know how back in 0 BC, or some shit, people were all, “hey this Jesus guy is pretty chill, we should worship him and shit?” Yeah, we basically feel the same way as Buddhist monks, or antivaxxers. This is the work that we’ve been meaning to do on Earth. We’re genuinely helping people lead better lives.”

It should be noted that Whale Sounds Guy has yet to included in any published global mute list.