In 2017, Walmart employee “MacroMan” was happy with his life. DotA 2 quickly became one of his favorite hobbies.
In 2018, everything changed. After angering Valve employees by refusing to apply an expired coupon to a set of towels, MacroMan was unfairly targeted by an exploit in the matchmaking system allowing Valve to target specific players and force them to suffer.
Although he purchased a 3k account from a close friend– a firm believer in his ability– Valve somehow detected the purchase and continued to place him in this alternative “shadow” queue. Much to his dismay, his once accurate rating began to drop to 1k MMR.
Frustrated, MacroMan began to realize that his teammates were clearly instructed to gang up on him for refusing to change his picks. Bravely, he never relents, choosing to jungle Puck every match he possibly could.
“I’ve done nothing wrong. Yes, I have a 12% winrate with this strategy, but it would be much higher if people actually gave me a chance.” He states in frustration. “Instead, I get reported constantly. I’m always in low priority– and the players there are just awful.”
MacroMan is beginning to realize that his dream of playing professionally will be squashed by Valve’s bias. “You know, I used to scrim with my girlfriend’s friends. One of them was a 6k,” he shared. “In those games I had over 20 assists and no deaths. Can you do that if you’re really 1k? Of course not.”
MacroMan’s dark brown eyes are nearly in tears as he stares into the camera. “I played this one match with a little boy who tried to attack mid. Do they even screen their players anymore? Another match, my teammates refused to learn English. It’s not even that hard.”
“Have you learned another major language?” We ask in curiosity. He stares back in dismay. “Of course not. That’s communism.”
This isn’t the first time that DotA players suspected Valve of foul play. A report came out in 2018 revealing that Valve employees hire children in poverty-striken areas, taught to annoy players on American servers for their own twisted entertainment.
“I think it’s unusually cruel. Valve is employing Indian beggar children, forcing them to live full time in gaming cafes. They play on American servers and report players for as little as 2 cents, and a supply of slightly used kleenexes.” A spokesperson for UNICEF reported on Monday.
“These children should be at school. Instead, they’re being exploited, while their parents believe they are receiving an education consistent with the curriculum.” These innocent babies are being taught nothing but nursery rhymes, including the now popular “Old MacDonald Had Farm– And You Don’t, Report Mid”
“What kind of sick bastard would do this?” he ponders, staring off into the distance of his basement.